On the Voyage of (re)Discovery
After such a great loss and the many years spent as caregiver, I have come to the shore to set sail – to discover new lands of SELF.
I am fortunate to have my hearts delight and souls companion to help me on this search. He is my main source of joy and comfort.
Since Moms death, and in the passing of just a few weeks, it has occurred to me that I am in a state of flux. Now I am sure that is a completely normal thing to feel. This has also allowed me to see the new realities of my life.
I no longer have parents to live up to, I do not have children that require my attention or worry, my brothers, whom I love, are now soon to be in their 60s and do not require a big sister and truth be told, I’m sure they have been weary of my concern anyway. Now I find I have a great desire to release my family from any burdensome obligation -much to their collective relief I am sure.
So that being said – I am free of all obligations outside my relationship with my husband.
That is new information to my heart.
But with that comes an identity crisis of sorts.
If I have no one who expects anything from me or expects me to be or act a certain way, how then will I be.
When I am free to choose how I want to live my life, how I want to look, act, relate, love – well, there are so many options, I become a bit perplexed on what exactly to do or which course to take.
A few things that I am considering:
I would like to not be the keeper of things. I don’t want to be the caretaker of family stuff. Options may be a family auction so that these ‘treasures’ can be kept by other family members. Or if no one wants anything, a real auction to sell these things.
I would like to own less – I sometimes feel as though I am drowning in things.
I would like to be more selfish. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
I want to find my whimsy again, to dance in the moonlight, to talk to the trees, to see the magic in front of my face.
I want to go. Just go. I want to discover new wonders, see and experience new places and people.
I want to feel free and unencumbered.
But, like any old habit, it will take time to shed my SELF of old ways. It will take time to try on new things, choose or discard relationships, attitudes, feelings. When one has been in the habit of certain obligations of manners, it takes time to release that old crusty shell and attach a new and shinier skin.
So, I trim the sails and feel a new breeze on my face.
Wish me luck and a bon voyage – I am away.
Blowing hot and cold, angry lovers
rush into each others arms, sparking
into existence their lightning filled
children, giants towering over the land.
Cumulonimbus pillars roiling with winds
and voices of thunder deep
shaking the still naked trees, pounding
aprils warming ground with vernal
tantrums and hailstones, cold and blue.
All this begatting and begetting
awash in the fundamental forgetting
of winter just passed
and springs just springing.
April’s hallelujah of re-creation intones
warming air saturated in pheromones .
Shedding my skin, casting off
the detritus of all winters,
I scrub the windows of my eyes
to reveal what was once true
and what I choose to be truly now.
Marked by a blue streak
across my forehead, tattooed
no more by the past.
With merlin, I grow younger
I am spring.
Following the Trail of Bread Crumbs
those old bread crumbs still have the fragrance
of freshly thought thoughts
feelings not forgotten
and needs met and savored
i will choose my gathering basket
and set off to find the way back
through a forest of my own creation
or is it the forest
or maybe the forest
no matter the sapling beginnings
i will follow the old trail
pointing the direction
to that self
who has wandered in the deep woods
for such a long time
i will rescue myself